My Woes
September was a hard month for me. Honestly, August and September wore me down mentally and spiritually. August was the first anniversary of the passing of Ms. Carrie Jacobs, a woman who treated me like her daughter. Septembers have been hard for me for the past 14 years. My great-grandmother’s birthday is in September.
This year, however, those two losses collided. I visited both of their resting places this year and tried to make peace with their passing. I wanted to walk away from each grave with a sense of wholeness. That feeling that each woman engraved in me. I tried to regain it by feeling close to them, even though I knew they were not. Instead of feeling empowered, I felt worse. I felt like a little girl who missed her mother. Both of them. With all the side effects life was throwing at me, I just wanted my mother figures. I wanted them to let me know that everything would be all right.
The build-up from August and that day, September 2nd, had me feeling lost. Like, I felt empty inside. I remember saying I wanted my momma and started crying. Profusely. I cried so much that evening that I woke up with migraine pain the next day, but I also felt better. I decided to let go of the unexplainable and the unable-to. I let go of the guilt of not being there for them. Indeed, it is never easy to lose people that you love. The silver lining is that I finally realized a fraction of their love for me.
Ms. Carrie and my great-grandmother both taught me valuable lessons about life. Those sayings and sharing of their personal stories helped me navigate through my blossoming adulthood. I realized that God placed them both in my life to guide me.
To both of my angels, may you continue to rest in peace.
