Decentering Men: A Conversation We Don’t Have Enough
So the other day, I was minding my business scrolling on TikTok — not looking for anything deep, just killing time — and this video popped up. At first, I’m thinking, girl, please, that ain’t it. But the more she talked, something in my spirit went, “now wait a minute…”
Because sometimes a random stranger on your feed will say something that hits a place you didn’t even realize needed attention. And that’s exactly what happened. I had to sit with it.
I realized:
a lot of what we do — how we love, how we parent, how we react — didn’t start with us.
We inherited it.
We absorbed it.
And half the time, we never question it.
Gen X Didn’t Just Learn Survival — We Perfected It
Let’s be real.
Gen X is the “figure it out by yourself” generation.
Why?
Because we were raised by parents and grandparents who lived through some serious times — Jim Crow, segregation, poverty, limited rights, limited safety. They didn’t have the luxury of self-discovery or gentle parenting. They had to survive.
And survival is what they passed down to us.
We mastered it.
We built whole personalities around it.
But here’s the twist we don’t talk about:
Survival thinking from the 1950s, 60s, and 70s didn’t always fit the world we grew up in.
And it definitely didn’t fit the world we raised our kids in.
But we used it anyway, because that’s all we knew.
“Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard” — A Whole Era Silenced
Listen.
I grew up hearing that phrase so much you would’ve thought it came straight from the Bible. But that mindset didn’t raise emotionally healthy kids — it raised quiet ones.
It raised:
kids hiding trauma,
kids afraid to speak up,
kids carrying secrets,
kids who learned early that their needs didn’t matter.
Now look at us.
We’re adults trying to relearn how to talk, how to feel, how to ask for help, how to even recognize our emotions.
And ironically, we tell our kids something completely different:
“If you see something, say something.”
Because we finally understand silence never protected us — it protected the adults who didn’t want things exposed.
A lot of our “normal” discipline wasn’t love.
It was inherited control.
Some of it straight out of slavery and survival systems that were meant to keep Black bodies “in line,” not safe.
Religion, Rules, and the “This Is What God Said” Trap
My great-grandparents were born in the early 1900s. Beautiful, strong people. But their understanding of God was shaped by their time — a time where religion was often used as structure, fear, and coping.
Growing up, I realized quickly:
People interpret God based on what benefits them.
If a scripture gives them power?
Oh, they know that one by heart.
If a scripture requires accountability?
Suddenly nobody remembers the verse.
I love God deeply.
But I’m not tying my identity to interpretations written by men who lived thousands of years ago and translated by people who weren’t thinking about Black women’s well-being.
A lot of the “a man is the head” stuff?
Baby… that was culture, not God.
Survival, not scripture.
And a lot of what we were taught as “biblical truth” was actually generational trauma wrapped in religion.
Why Women Center Men — And Why That Needs to Change
This is the part the video brought in full view.
Women — especially younger ones — are being taught that a man should be the center of your universe.
That:
your worth depends on being chosen
your value depends on who you’re with
being single means you “failed”
independence means you’re “too masculine”
if a man leaves you, something must be wrong with you
Let me tell you something:
This mindset didn’t come from romance.
It came from survival.
There was a time when a woman couldn’t:
open a bank account
own property
work certain jobs
stay safe without a man
or even be respected without one
So centering men was a survival strategy.
But today?
Centering a man is one of the most dangerous things a woman can do to herself.
Because if you build your whole world around him:
your confidence disappears,
your stability depends on his mood,
your peace depends on his presence,
and your identity becomes fragile.
If he leaves, your whole world falls apart — because you weren’t the center. He was.
And then women find themselves trying to fix everything — including themselves — instead of fixing the real root:
you were never supposed to build your identity around someone who isn’t you.
What I Teach My Children
When I saw that video, it confirmed everything I’ve been teaching my kids, especially my girls.
I always tell them:
Do not center anybody but God.
Because when another human becomes your whole identity, your foundation is already shaky.
One of my exes once asked why our relationship didn’t work.
I told him straight:
“It wasn’t built on a solid foundation.”
And I meant every word.
A relationship built on insecurity, survival thinking, and outdated gender roles?
It’s going to crumble every single time.
Final Thoughts
We inherited a lot — some good, some harmful, some confusing.
But we are not required to repeat any of it.
We can honor our ancestors without dragging their survival wounds into our future.
We can raise daughters who don’t lose themselves in relationships.
We can raise sons who value partnership, not control.
We can finally choose ourselves without guilt.
And we can build relationships — romantic or otherwise — that are rooted in truth, balance, and mutual respect.
Decentering men isn’t about hating them.
It’s about not losing you in the process of loving them.
