Uncertainty
Lately, my mind has been busy.
Too busy.
Not with just everyday thoughts…
But the kind that linger.
The kind that show up when everything else gets quiet.
Thoughts about safety.
About running a household in a world that doesn’t feel as predictable as it used to.
About relationships shifting and stretching in ways I didn’t expect.
And if I’m being honest…
Sleep hasn’t been easy.
But those thoughts?
They’re not even the real weight.
It’s the future.
That’s what’s been sitting heavy on me.
Will I finally become a homeowner in 2021?
Or will I still be renting?
And even though I try not to tie everything back to what happened in 2020…
I’m not naïve enough to think it won’t have lasting effects.
Because it will.
And if I’m being even more honest…
This isn’t my first time standing in uncertainty.
I’ve been here before.
There was a time when I was this close.
Pre-approved.
Working with a realtor.
Standing on the edge of something I had worked so hard for.
A home that felt like a dream.
Four bedrooms.
Five bathrooms.
A space where my children could grow and feel secure.
And then life happened.
An injury.
Unexpected.
Unavoidable.
And suddenly, I had a choice:
Push forward…
Or step back and face the uncertainty.
I stepped back.
Looking back now, I can admit something:
The injury wasn’t the only thing that held me back.
I made mistakes.
Financial ones.
The kind that teach you hard lessons.
I went from stability…
To what felt like the twilight zone.
Then came the recession.
And what started as uncertainty…
Turned into anxiety.
Depression.
I wanted to work.
But my body wouldn’t cooperate.
The pain.
The limitations.
The reality of bilateral carpal tunnel…
It changed everything.
And slowly, the life I was building…
Started to feel like it was falling apart.
Marriage ended.
Savings disappeared.
Responsibilities doubled.
Now I was a single mother again…
Of five.
Trying to hold everything together.
Pay off debt.
Keep a roof over our heads.
And then came more hits.
Bankruptcy.
Silence from the same people I had once helped.
And that?
That hurt differently.
Because when it was my turn…
There was no one there.
So I had to do what I’ve always done.
Figure it out.
Not perfectly.
Not easily.
But intentionally.
Because at some point…
It stopped being about what happened.
And became about what I was going to do next.
Fast forward to now…
And sometimes, those memories try to come back.
They whisper:
“What if it happens again?”
But I don’t sit in that thought anymore.
I interrupt it.
With affirmations.
With truth.
With everything I’ve learned since then.
Because yes…
It’s human to worry.
Especially when you’ve lived through things that almost broke you.
But I refuse…
To live like it’s guaranteed to happen again.
Because this time?
I’m building differently.
Yes, I still think about the bigger picture.
The families facing eviction.
The uncertainty ahead.
The questions that don’t have clear answers yet.
My mind can go there…
Real quick.
But I don’t stay there.
Because life will always come with uncertainty.
Some things we can control.
Some things we can’t.
But giving up?
That’s never been an option.
So I keep planning.
I keep creating.
I keep dreaming.
Because at the end of the day…
We all have a choice.
We can sit back and wait to see what happens.
Or we can move forward…
And build what we want anyway.
And me?
I’ve already made my choice.
