January 13 2023
I don’t even know how to start this.
I just know I need to get it out.
Today makes one month since I separated from my husband.
And one week since me and my children have been homeless.
Typing that out feels unreal.
Because I don’t feel unsafe…
but I don’t feel settled either.
I feel… in between.
My mind won’t stop racing, thinking of EVERYTHING…
I keep asking myself the same questions over and over:
Was there another way I could’ve handled this?
Did it have to end like this?
What am I supposed to do now?
How am I going to get us out of this?
Why is this happening?
Why now?
Why me?
And no matter how many times I ask…
I don’t have answers.
Just more thoughts.
More questions.
More replaying everything in my head.
I can’t stop thinking about what I gave…
I shared a life with him.
I had children with him.
I gave so much of myself trying to make it work.
And sitting here now…
it feels like none of that mattered.
No real consideration.
No real appreciation.
Just me… giving.
And him… taking what he could get.
And the part that hurts the most?
I knew something wasn’t right.
I just didn’t want to believe it.
I’m angry… at everything…
I’m angry at him.
I’m angry at how I was treated.
But if I’m being honest?
I’m angry at myself too.
For allowing it.
For staying.
For trying to fix something that was never being fixed on the other side.
And I keep asking myself:
Why did I let it go this far?
Why did I sit there and watch everything fall apart instead of walking away sooner?
And now…
Fear is sitting with me.
I came across an article from the
Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
And then learning, through further research,
about families being stuck like this.
For years.
Two years or more.
And that did something to me.
Because now I’m not just dealing with what’s happening right now…
I’m scared of being stuck in it.
Like this is going to be my life for the next couple of years.
Like I’m going to be sitting in a situation that I didn’t even fully create…
just trying to survive something that feels bigger than me.
I feel betrayed
Not just by him.
But by the whole situation.
By what I thought I had.
By what I believed was real.
By what I gave.
It’s like I invested everything into something…
and ended up with nothing but questions.
I don’t have time to break down.
And as much as I want to sit here and cry…
and be angry…
and figure out why all of this is happening…
I can’t.
I don’t have that kind of time right now.
Because I have children looking at me.
Depending on me.
And I can’t afford to fall apart.
Not like that.
So this is what I’m thinking of doing:
I’m putting everything else on pause.
The questions.
The anger.
The heartbreak.
All of it.
Because none of that is going to get us out of this situation.
Right now…
I have one focus.
Find my family a home.
That’s it.
Not next month.
Not next year.
Right now.
One step at a time.
One decision at a time.
One day at a time.
That’s all I have right now.
I don’t have all the answers.
I don’t feel strong.
I don’t feel healed.
I don’t feel “better.”
I just feel…
determined.
Because I don’t have another option.
If nothing else…
this is me choosing to keep moving.
Even if I don’t know where I’m going yet.
