February 14 2023
It’s Valentine’s Day.
And I didn’t think it was going to bother me like this…
but it does.
I’m sitting here realizing I have nothing to do.
No plans.
No dinner.
No flowers.
No “hey, I got you.”
No nothing.
Just me…
and my children…
in that room that feels like a box.
I can’t even sit in there right now.
I had to come sit in my van.
And I’m crying.
Not a little cry either.
Like… I can’t stop it.
I don’t even understand why I’m feeling like this right now.
That’s the part that’s bothering me the most.
Why am I dealing with this right now?
Why does it feel like depression is trying to sit on me when I’m supposed to be focused?
I have things to do.
I have to stay on track.
But my body?
My body is not cooperating.
It’s like I’m stuck.
Like I want to move…
but I can’t.
I want to think clearly…
but I can’t.
I want to focus…
but everything in me keeps shutting down.
I tried to write earlier.
Tried to get this out.
And I couldn’t.
Every time I started…
I broke down crying.
Couldn’t even get the words out without falling apart.
And that scared me.
Because I don’t want to lose this moment.
I don’t want to miss documenting what I’m going through.
Because now…
this doesn’t feel like something random.
This feels like something I’m going through on purpose.
Like this is a journey.
Not just life happening to me…
but something I’m walking through.
Something spiritual.
Something financial.
Something personal.
And that thought alone is heavy.
Because if this is a journey…
that means I have to go through it.
There’s no skipping it.
And then there’s this pressure.
This pressure feels different.
I’ve always had pressure.
But this?
This feels like it’s sitting on my chest.
Like every move I make matters too much.
Like if I mess up…
everything else is going to fall apart too.
And I keep thinking…
There’s no one else to blame for anything moving forward.
It’s just me now.
And that doesn’t feel empowering right now.
It feels like a lot.
It feels like if anything goes wrong…
it’s on me.
And I don’t like that feeling.
At all.
But sitting here…
crying…
thinking…
feeling all of this at once…
something is starting to click.
I’m out here expecting love from people…
who don’t even care to know me.
Expecting to be treated a certain way…
just because I treated them that way.
And that doesn’t make sense.
Just because I gave love a certain way…
doesn’t mean I was going to get that same love back.
And I’m sitting here hurt…
like I didn’t see that.
So now I’m sitting here thinking…
what if I just gave that to myself?
What if I stop looking for it out there…
and start giving it to me?
Because clearly…
what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.
So tonight…
right here…
in this van…
on Valentine’s Day…
I’m making a decision.
I’m going to start loving myself.
For real.
Not just saying it.
Not just thinking it.
But actually doing it.
And that means something else too.
That means I have to start respecting myself.
And if I respect myself…
that means I have to set boundaries.
Real ones.
And if people don’t like those boundaries?
That’s not my problem.
If I say no…
it’s no.
Not “maybe later.”
Not “let me think about it.”
Not “I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
No.
If I say yes…
it’s yes.
If I can’t do something…
I mean that.
If I can…
I mean that too.
There’s no bending anymore.
No overextending.
No doing the most.
I’m not about to keep giving myself away like that.
From here on out…
I’m keeping it simple.
Cordial.
And I’m watching everything.
I’m still crying.
I’m still trying to get myself together.
But I made a decision tonight.
And that feels like something.
This is where I am right now.
