July 13, 2023
It’s my birthday.
I’m 44 today.
And I should be happy.
I mean… I am happy.
But it’s not just that.
Because I’ve been in my new home for one week.
One whole week.
And I’m sitting here thinking about where I just came from…
and I can’t even explain the feeling.
The first few days I was here?
I stayed in that basement.
Crying.
Praying.
Thanking God.
Over and over again.
Because if you knew where I just came from…
you would understand why I’m praising Him like this.
Hallelujah.
For real.
I’m not even worried about ownership right now.
That’s coming.
I’m not letting that go.
But for right now?
This roof over my head?
This will do.
And I already told myself something.
Moving forward…
any move I make from here?
Is going to be an upgrade.
Because I’m not going backwards.
Not after this.
But let me be real…
This is still hard.
Like really hard.
I feel like I’m breaking financially.
And I don’t have the support I need.
It’s still just me.
And I’m doing everything I can.
Everything.
But it still feels like it’s not enough.
I want to be able to just enjoy my birthday.
Just feel happy.
Just sit in gratitude.
But anxiety?
Anxiety is right there too.
It’s like every time I try to feel good…
it chokes it out.
Because now I’m thinking about bills.
Inflation.
How I’m going to maintain this.
How I’m going to keep everything afloat.
And I don’t have answers.
I just have responsibility.
I wish I could just have one birthday…
where I don’t feel like this.
Just one.
Where I can celebrate without thinking about survival.
Without thinking about what’s next.
Without feeling like I’m one step away from something going wrong.
Because even though I’m grateful…
even though I’m thankful…
even though I know I made it through something…
I’m still tired.
I feel like I’ve been fighting for peace for so long…
I don’t even know what it feels like anymore.
Like if peace walked up to me right now…
I don’t even know if I would recognize it.
That’s how long it’s been.
And yeah…
I wish something magical would happen.
Somebody come down and say,
“Let me fix this for you.”
But that’s not happening.
So I’m going to keep going.
Keep pushing.
Keep trying to think positive.
Keep trying to stay out of that dark place.
Even when it feels like everything is hitting at the same time.
Even when life feels like it’s kicking my ass.
I just…
I just want a moment to breathe.
That’s it.
That’s where I am today.
