September 30, 2023

August into September,

I couldn’t write.

I tried.

But every time I sat down…

nothing would come out.

Or if it did…

it didn’t feel right.

Because too much was happening.

All at once.

I lost everything I had left,

The last of my belongings…

gone.

Everything I had in storage…

my memories…

my keepsakes…

things I can’t replace…

Gone.

And I’m still trying to process that.

Because I thought I was doing the right thing.

I thought I was dealing with a legitimate company.

I paid my money.

Trusted the process.

And just like that…

everything disappeared.

My high school memories.

My children’s artwork from when they were babies.

My diploma.

My degrees.

Letters from my dad…

from when we first started building our relationship.

All of it.

Gone.

And I felt stupid.

Like how did I let this happen?

How did I not catch it?

How did I get played like that again?

That feeling…

it sat heavy on me.

And then more bad news

As I’m trying to deal with that…

I start hearing about my uncle.

His health declining.

And before I can even process that…

he’s gone.

Just like that.

And I’m sitting here trying to understand how life can move this fast.

I couldn’t even show up.

I wanted to go.

I wanted to be there.

I wanted to show up for my family.

But I couldn’t.

I didn’t have the money.

I didn’t have transportation.

Everything I had…

was tied into keeping this roof over our heads.

And I couldn’t risk losing that.

Because I already knew what it felt like to not have it.

And I’m not going back there.

I can’t.

My mind and body are tired.

I’m not sleeping.

I’m barely eating.

My accounts are overdrawn.

I don’t have support coming in.

And everything feels like it’s closing in on me.

Every direction I turn…

it’s something else.

I know where I am mentally…

I can feel it.

I’m trying not to say it out loud…

but I know what this is.

Depression is already here.

And I’m trying my best…

not to sink into it.

Because I don’t want to feel like this.

Not like this.

Not again.

So now, I’m at a crossroads.

Something has to give.

I can’t keep going like this.

I can’t keep taking hits like this without doing something.

So now I’m sitting here asking myself questions.

Real questions.

What do I need to do to help myself?

What do I need to change?

What do I need to let go of?

Because I know one thing for sure…

I can’t go any deeper than this.

I won’t.

And where I am right now?

I’m hurt.

I’m tired.

I’m overwhelmed.

But I’m still here.

And right now…

that’s all I’ve got.