December 15, 2023

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year.

A whole year since I heard those words.

Seven days.

Seven days to move.

A whole year since everything shifted.

Since the final words were said.

Since everything that needed to be said…

was said.

And I’m sitting here now…

trying to process that.

It doesn’t even feel real.

I thought I was just going to sit and reflect.

Be grateful.

Look at how far I’ve come.

But that’s not what happened.

My mind went somewhere else.

I ended up sitting in the basement…

thinking about my uncle.

Thinking about when I was younger.

The memories.

The moments.

And then one question hit me out of nowhere:

Am I going to mourn this hard for my parents?

And when that question came…

I broke.

Because that’s not a light question.

That’s not something you just think about and move on from.

That question sat with me.

And it brought everything up with it.

There were things going on in the background.

Things being said.

Things being implied.

And I felt it.

I felt like people were looking at me a certain way.

Side-eyeing me.

Judging me.

Talking around me.

And I didn’t have the energy to deal with any of it.

So I made a decision.

I’m staying to myself.

I’m not explaining myself.

I’m not defending myself.

I’m not going back and forth.

I’m rebuilding.

Piece by piece.

And I don’t have to do everything all at once.

One thing I realized…

I haven’t done in over two years…

I haven’t created a vision board.

And that bothered me.

Because that used to be something I did.

Something that kept me focused.

Something that helped me see forward.

And somewhere along the way…

I stopped.

So now I know…

I need to get back to that.

And then something else came back to me.

September 2022.

I saw a black butterfly on the porch.

At first, I thought it was dead.

It didn’t move.

So I went and got my phone.

Took a picture of it.

Then I did a quick search.

And what I saw said something about prosperity.

And I was excited.

I told my son.

And he looked at me and said:

“Ma… that butterfly means we about to go through hell.”

And I remember looking at him like…

yeah, okay.

We’ll see.

…

He was right.

Because from October 2022 until now…

Yeah.

And sitting here now…

I can see it.

I didn’t want things to fall apart like they did.

I didn’t want the ship to sink.

But it had to.

It had to.

And even though that hurt…

even though I’m still sitting in the aftermath of it…

I know something else is coming from this.

I can feel it.

And right now… I’m not feeling it.

I’m not even going to lie.

I don’t feel like celebrating anything.

Christmas?

No.

I don’t have gifts to give.

I don’t feel festive.

I feel…

tired.

I feel like Scrooge without the money.

Bah humbug.

Don’t talk to me about no holidays.

“Holly jolly” what?

I’m not there.

But at the same time…

I’m not taking that out on everybody else either.

I’ll smile.

I’ll wave.

Say “happy holidays” real quick.

And keep it moving.

Even with all of that…

I do have something.

Gratitude.

Not the loud kind.

Not the excited kind.

But the kind that says…

I’m still here.

And right now?

That has to be enough.

I’m ;ooking ahead without looking too far.

I’m not making no resolutions.

I’m not doing all that.

But I do feel something.

I feel like something is shifting.

Back in June…

I started noticing patterns.

About me.

About my life.

About how things move.

And I feel like all of that is leading somewhere.

Like something is about to click.

I don’t know what it is yet.

But I feel it.

And I want to see where that goes.

That’s where I am right now.