May 7, 2023

I don’t even know how to separate today from everything else that’s happening.

It all feels like it’s sitting on top of me at the same time.

My niece is gone.

And I’m still trying to understand that.

I know… I understand… it was her time.

I get that.

But I didn’t want it to be.

I prayed.

I prayed hard.

I prayed for her to get better.

I believed she would.

So when I was given the chance to say goodbye…

It didn’t feel real.

At all.

I felt like I was floating.

Not in a peaceful way.

In a disconnected way.

Like I wasn’t fully in my body.

Like I was watching something happen…

and couldn’t fully process it.

I’ve experienced loss before.

But not like this.

Not as an adult…

losing a child in the family.

This is different.

This cuts different.

And I keep trying to tell myself:

This isn’t my will.

This is bigger than me.

But that doesn’t make it feel fair.

My Asia…

rest in power, baby girl.

And while I’m sitting here trying to process that…

life didn’t pause.

Not even a little bit.

The night before…

my car was taken.

And I’m still trying to understand that too.

Because it didn’t make sense.

I went outside when I was told someone was towing it.

I had my license.

I explained everything.

I was told everything was fine.

That it wasn’t being taken for non-payment.

That it was “secure.”

So I went back inside.

Thinking it was handled.

Thinking I could breathe for a second.

An hour later…

my car was gone.

And now I’m confused.

Frustrated.

Trying to figure out what just happened.

I’m calling.

Trying to get answers.

Trying to understand why I now have to pay…

to get something back that I didn’t even agree to give up.

And I can’t even talk to a real person.

Because it’s after hours.

So now I’m sitting here…

dealing with grief…

and dealing with this at the same time.

My mind is everywhere.

I don’t even know what to focus on first.

Do I sit in this loss?

Do I figure out how to get my car back?

Do I keep pushing forward like nothing is happening?

Because everything feels important.

And everything feels heavy.

I had plans tonight.

I was going to go sit in the van.

Write everything out.

Get my thoughts together.

And now?

I don’t even have that space.

Everything just feels like it keeps shifting under me.

It’s too much at once.

I’m trying to hold it together.

I really am.

But today?

Today feels like too much.

Losing her last month…

Trying to understand what just happened with my car…

Still trying to figure out my life overall…

It’s a lot.

And I don’t feel settled in anything right now.

I’m just here.

That’s all I can say.

I’m here.

I’m feeling everything.

And at the same time…

I’m still trying to function.

Because I don’t have the option not to.

That’s where I am today.