April 4, 2023
I cannot believe the audacity.
And when I say audacity…
I mean the blatant, bold nerve.
I’m trying to calm myself down enough to even write this.
Because today?
Today did something to me.
I was in mediation.
And because of everything going on, I can’t communicate directly.
So everything is going through a middle person.
Questions being asked.
Answers being sent back.
Back and forth.
And I’m sitting there answering everything.
Keeping it together.
Staying calm.
Trying to focus.
And then…
that conversation took a turn.
I’m being accused of something I know I didn’t do.
And the crazy part?
It’s coming from the same place that did exactly that to me.
And I just sat there.
I didn’t even respond the way I wanted to.
I didn’t argue.
I didn’t go back and forth.
But inside?
I was heated.
Because how are you going to try to flip something like that?
How are you going to sit there and say that…
like I don’t know what really happened?
And then…
as if that wasn’t enough…
something else came up.
Something about something that belongs to me.
Something I took pride in.
Something I chose.
Something that meant something to me.
And now it’s being brought up like it’s something to be taken.
Like it’s up for discussion.
Like it’s negotiable.
And that’s when something clicked in my head.
Because I remembered something.
Something that was said before all of this.
Something I didn’t fully take seriously at the time.
But sitting there today…
hearing what I was hearing…
feeling what I was feeling…
it all lined up.
And I had to sit with that realization.
That this whole time…
this wasn’t what I thought it was.
This wasn’t love.
This wasn’t partnership.
This wasn’t two people trying to build something together.
This was someone benefiting.
And me… giving.
And I’m sitting there thinking…
So this is what this was?
Because now it makes sense.
The behavior.
The resistance.
The energy.
The lack of effort.
The taking.
All of it.
And I’m not even going to lie…
That realization hit me hard.
Like I couldn’t even see straight for a second.
Because I really thought…
there was something real there.
And today?
Today made me question all of that.
I’m angry.
Not loud.
Not explosive.
But that quiet kind of angry.
The kind where you just sit there…
and let it sink in.
Because now I’m looking at everything differently.
Everything.
And I don’t even know what to do with that yet.
All I know is…
I see it now.
And once you see something like that…
you can’t unsee it.
That’s where I am right now.
