Decentering Men: A Conversation We Don’t Have Enough

So the other day, I was minding my business, scrolling on TikTok — not looking for anything deep, just passing time — and a video popped up.

At first, I was like, girl… please.

But the more she talked, something in my spirit said, “Now wait a minute…”

Because every now and then, a complete stranger will say something that hits a place you didn’t even realize needed attention.

And that’s exactly what happened.

I had to sit with it.

Because the truth is, a lot of what we do — how we love, how we parent, how we react — didn’t start with us.

We inherited it.

We absorbed it.

And most of the time, we never question it.

Gen X Didn’t Just Learn Survival — We Perfected It

Let’s be real.

Gen X is the “figure it out yourself” generation.

We were raised by people who survived some very real, very hard times — Jim Crow, segregation, poverty, limited access, limited safety. They didn’t have space for emotional conversations or self-discovery.

They had to survive.

And survival is what they passed down to us.

We mastered it.

We built our personalities around it.

But here’s what we don’t talk about:

Survival thinking from the 50s, 60s, and 70s didn’t always fit the world we grew up in — and it definitely doesn’t fit the world we’re raising our kids in now.

But we used it anyway.

Because it’s all we knew.

“Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard”

Listen…

I heard that phrase so much growing up, you would’ve thought it was scripture.

But that mindset didn’t raise emotionally healthy children.

It raised quiet ones.

It raised:

• children who hid their trauma

• children who were afraid to speak up

• children who carried secrets

• children who learned their needs didn’t matter

Now look at us.

We’re adults trying to relearn how to communicate, how to feel, how to ask for help — how to even recognize our emotions.

And now we tell our kids:

“If you see something, say something.”

Because we finally understand something important:

Silence never protected us.

It protected the adults who didn’t want things exposed.

A lot of what we called discipline wasn’t love.

It was control — passed down through generations that were trying to survive.

Religion, Rules, and Misinterpretation

My great-grandparents were born in the early 1900s. Strong people. Loving people. But their understanding of God was shaped by the time they lived in.

And over time, I noticed something:

People interpret God in ways that benefit them.

If a scripture gives them power?

Oh, they know it by heart.

If it requires accountability?

Suddenly, it’s forgotten.

Now don’t get it twisted — I love God deeply.

But I’m not tying my identity to interpretations that were never created with Black women in mind.

Some of what we were taught wasn’t biblical truth.

It was survival thinking wrapped in religion.

Why Women Center Men

Now let’s talk about it.

Women — especially younger women — are often taught that a man should be the center of their life.

That:

• your worth is based on being chosen

• your value is tied to your relationship

• being single means failure

• independence means you’re “too much”

But here’s the truth:

That mindset didn’t come from love.

It came from survival.

There was a time when women couldn’t:

• own property

• open bank accounts

• work freely

• live safely without a man

So centering men made sense back then.

But today?

Centering a man can cost you your identity.

Because if your whole life revolves around him:

• your confidence becomes unstable

• your peace depends on him

• your identity becomes fragile

And if he leaves?

Everything falls apart.

Because you were never the center.

He was.

What I Teach My Children

When I saw that video, it confirmed everything I’ve been teaching my kids — especially my daughters.

I always tell them:

Do not center anybody but God.

Because the moment another human becomes your foundation, your stability is already compromised.

I once told an ex exactly why our relationship didn’t work:

“It wasn’t built on a solid foundation.”

And I meant that.

My Final Thoughts

We inherited a lot.

Some good.

Some harmful.

Some confusing.

But we are not required to repeat it.

We can honor our ancestors without carrying their wounds.

We can raise daughters who don’t lose themselves in relationships.

We can raise sons who understand partnership, not control.

We can choose ourselves — without guilt.

And we can build relationships rooted in truth, balance, and respect.

Decentering men isn’t about hate.

It’s about not losing yourself while loving someone else.